my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Michael Bay diarrhea
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
