I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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