so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
