It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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