My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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