Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
