Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
