i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
