Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
