She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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