don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
worst night to have a conscience
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
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If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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