I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
