I just cut my nipple shaving
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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