i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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