I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He has the fingertips of a God
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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