She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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