i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
