mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
