i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
