Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
