woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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