Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
