70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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