but the lizard people decide everything anyway
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
