We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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