What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
