the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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