Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
