Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
