be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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