i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
