my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
