Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
4 words: hood of his car
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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