You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
