Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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