I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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