I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
