I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
