"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
