youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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