The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
