Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
