we have officially lost it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
