you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
