wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
