Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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