I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
