you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
