Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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