Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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