Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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