Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
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