Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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