is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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