Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
