Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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