just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
