How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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