I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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